I recently finished a project in which I interviewed pastors’ wives about their experiences in the role. When I got to the question of if pastors’ wives could be friends with congregants, interestingly, the overwhelming majority of the women answered, “No.” I, too, would tend to agree with that sentiment. However, I also believe it presents an interesting dilemma for a pastor’s wife.
The reason for most of my interview participants’ response was grounded in the idea that they wanted to help establish boundaries for their husbands as well as themselves. The reality is, no different than the fact that we might or might not want to socialize with our co-workers outside of work; pastors want to be liberated in their own personal space not to have to perform the role of pastoring. Boundaries are essential in life, and yet, I still believe pastors’ wives find themselves in a peculiar situation.For a pastor’s wife in a new city, this could prove to be lonely, especially when the church becomes such a major part of your life where one spends a lot of her time. For an active lay person, not only can the church be a space where one can share intimate details of her life (issues of illness, job situations, grief), it also can, and to an extent should, become a part of one’s social network. For a pastor’s wife, that is not always the case.
One of the pastors’ wives I interviewed said, “You have to be friendly to everyone and buddy to no one.” I call this the tightrope walk of the performance of the role of pastor’s wife. Will we hang out and go to lunch? Talk on the phone? Fellowship in each other’s homes? Go shopping together? Probably not. Yet, pastors’ wives are expected to be warm, engaging, encouraging and affirming of members. For some women, it’s quite natural to be that. For others it’s not.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shauntae Brown White is an associate professor in the Department of English and Mass Communication at North Carolina Central University and has been a pastor's wife for 12 years.
The Pastor's Wife Speaks is a safe place for women living on the front lines of ministry to share and support each other. But you don't have to be married to a pastor to hang out here. Regardless of how you're connected to ministry, you are welcome. Enjoy and be blessed!
I am a PW and yes, that is the way it is.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful article. As a PW, I find that it is important to develop relationships outside of ministry. A situation that recently happened to me was that an outside friend joined the church my husband pastors and now she no longer goes to our church and we are no longer friends. She is actually a coworker and we are cordial to each other, but we're not as close as we used to be. I'm not sure what happened to our friendship, but I do believe she could not handle me in my PW capacity- especially when it came down to counseling with her (she's having some serious marriage problems). I offered her the truth in love and I guess she thought I should have "been on her side".
ReplyDeleteI've been a PW for over 15 years and I can honestly say that I can understand why there are pastor's wives that feel this way, however, this has not been my experience. Perhaps it's because my husband has pastored in relatively small churches...I'm not sure. There are definitely people in my life that have a hard time seeing me beyond the 'pastor's wife' but I have equally had relationships with people who are friends with no strings attached and are members of our church. I cannot imagine doing life or ministry without them.
ReplyDeleteHello... What you said is so important to ones idenity, and character of your girls. No one likes to get lock in a box no matter how comfortable it is.
ReplyDeleteIke
Such a difficult question! My husband pastored a small church. Thankfully the people in it were really in love with God, more than they were in love with themselves. We were more than friends, we were family. It's been three years since we left that church and we are still close with all of them. When a Christian's heart is right with God, we should be loving each as more than friends. I think that makes the difference. No I can totally see how friendships can be a problem in some churches. I also think it's always important to cultivate friendships outside the church.
ReplyDeleteGreat post to get us thinking.
-FringeGirl
I am very much resonating with "FringeGirl" I am a PW who is very outgoing and has many close life long Christian friendships Also, I have not mastered the kind-but-aloof pastor's wife personality. I am very thankful for the life I have, but I wonder if any other PWs feel overwhelmed with maintaining old friendships, welcoming out of town guests, inviting someone new for dinner, accepting dinner invitations, while keeping boundaries with people. This seems crazy to complain about in this lonely world. I am very thankful for each friend I have and look forward to eternity with them without limitations of time and flesh. Just wondered if anyone feels this way.
ReplyDeleteMy best friend happens to be our Pastor's wife. Difficult? Yes. Regrets? No. Every woman needs a friend they can trust and share with. I have found that in her as she in me.
ReplyDeleteEvery Pastor's Wife needs someone to shop with that they actually WANT to shop with or have coffee with, or just enjoy the company with. If there would be any woman in the world who feels so much pressure and stress Pastor's Wives would be first on my list. I commend them for doing what they do.
However, I do understand that it's tough to find a woman in the church who can be trusted. I feel very blessed to have found a life-long friend, who happens to be our Pastor's wife.
I am praying for those wives who are lonely for friendships, tried and true ones.
Great article. I am a pastors wife who has learned the hard way that it is difficult, if not impossible, to have close friends in our church. The one woman I thought was close turned out to not be at all which was hurtful. Other women are either hypocritical, jealous, or mean, so I try to be "nice," but cautious. My identity is not tied up in that church because there is so much carnality there. So sad.
ReplyDeleteI have an interesting situation in that I am also a licensed Co-Pastor with my husband...I am a people person and very friendly, but have learned the hard way that my relationships with certain women in my congregation have to have boundaries in order for the lines of authority to be drawn when the important issues come up. I have found that women in our congregation have been more difficult than the men in understanding those boundaries. Women who have wanted to be my best friend (which was not reciprocated) have brought up all sorts of accusations against me that, frankly, have been painful. I do have close friends but they are in different churches...even different states.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree. I am in the same situation. People that were my friend before, get offended and throw off on me when I try to correct them, or let them know when they are wrong, then it's you think you're all tha now, or you must be better than everybody else. It really hurts when comes from someone who once said they would alwys be there for you no matter what. That's why I keep my trust in God. treat them with love, but know when to keep my mouth shut and feelings to myself.
ReplyDelete