Last week, my friend Carmen called me for some counsel on how to handle a situation between she and her pastor’s wife. Her pastor’s wife gives leadership to a ministry in which Carmen’s 11 year-old son is a member. In preparation for the ministry event, her pastor’s wife made a comment to Carmen’s son that was offensive to Carmen and hurtful to her son. Though Carmen had observed her pastor's wife to be curt and somewhat standoffish with other people, she concluded the comment was probably more thoughtless and careless than malicious. But, Carmen also knew she needed to address the issue--most mothers would have agreed. The issue for Carmen was: “How do I correct my pastor’s wife? She is supposed to be the leader. She is supposed to set the example of good communication.”
After listening to Carmen’s story, I, too, agree that she needed to address the issue—but, not as a mama-bear protecting her cub. Instead, she had to make sure she was in a space in which her motive really was to bring the best out of her pastor’s wife. Further, I asked Carmen: “Why do you think your pastor’s wife is supposed to be a model of good communication? Where did she learn that? Who taught her?” After all, pastors and their wives are like everyone else: maybe we grew up in homes that exhibited godly and healthy communication, but maybe we didn’t. Maybe we have been intentional on working on our own issues, or maybe we haven’t. Maybe we have perfected some of our shortcomings, but in other areas we are still works in progress. Like all those in the body of Christ, pastors and their wives have to learn what it means to die and surrender to self so that our lives, our actions, and our words exhibit fruits of the spirit—love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness and the like. How else will we learn if no one is willing to give us a biblical reproof?
This episode with Carmen and her pastor’s wife did get me to thinking if I was approachable to a member of my church if they felt I had wronged them? I hope so. But, the reality is, there is no way around this being a sticky situation.
So, I ask you pastor’s wives: Do you think before you speak? Do you weigh your words? Are you open to correction?
And, I ask you, parishioners the same questions. In addition, do you unrealistically believe your pastor’s wife is a paragon of all things good? Are you willing to operate from a motive that brings that best out of other believers in the body, including your pastor’s wife?
We can only grow and mature if we are friends with correction.
“Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid.” Proverbs 12:1.
Shauntae Brown White is an associate professor at North Carolina Central University in the Department of English and Mass Communication. She is married to the Rev. Dr. Harry L. White, Jr. who pastors Watts Chapel Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC.
The Pastor's Wife Speaks is a safe place for women living on the front lines of ministry to share and support each other. But you don't have to be married to a pastor to hang out here. Regardless of how you're connected to ministry, you are welcome. Enjoy and be blessed!
Whew! This is deep! I don't believe the pastor's wife to be this all knowing do-gooder all the time, but I do expect her to understand her role as a Christian, as I would any adult. I think we all need to understand that everyone is entitled to a bad day, but an adult that's filled with the Holy Spirit should at the very least know how to treat people with kindness for the most part. Like I said, we all fall short and we have bad days, but for the most part adults should know how to govern themselves.
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I think it goes without saying that we in many cases expect more out of those in leadership. We are surprized or shocked if they exhibit behavior that is less than our vision of their role. Is this right? Maybe not, but that's usually how it works, which is why we are careful in choosing leaders. Think about it, when leaders are chosen, their character is carefully reviewed to ensure they are prepared for all aspects of their role. This is because of whats expected. This is a sticky topic.
ReplyDeleteLets pray for are leaders and our expectations of them.
What a great post, Shauntae! Years ago there was the perception that pastors *and* their families were on a figurative pedestal... that somehow the pastor's leadership position put the whole family above all the little irritations and mistakes that others experienced. In most of the churches I've been in, however, there is now a more realistic acceptance that no Christian is perfect, whatever their role in the church. That doesn't mean that ill tempered outbursts are forgivable, no matter who makes them.
ReplyDeleteI love how you handled this with Carmen. A gentle approach... a soft and private word mentioning to the pastor's wife that her son had been upset by something she'd said; perhaps asking if they could get together for coffee so they could discuss what had provoked the comment, and thus get the other's perspective... that might be all it would take.
Some people are thrust into a leadership role that they may not be as well prepared for as their spouse is... they may not be as diplomatic as their situation might require, so a loving word tactfully spoken can help point out an area that needs work.
The pastor's wife you talked about was almost the same with me years ago. I didn't intend to hurt anybody else but it was a sudden that I could not control to use some careless words which could be hurtful. I needed time to change and be changed so that I got my maturity in my spirituality.
ReplyDeleteAs a pastor's wife, I realize that it will be like a miracle to be an acceptable person by all the members of the church but I walk on and always try to do my best to be acceptable by the Lord Jesus, not by the church members.