The implosion of a marriage is a painful thing to witness.
A couple in our church, both of them in leadership, people who genuinely loved God (I believe), simply fell apart before our eyes. One day everything seemed fine (to the outside observer) and the next day an affair was exposed. A short time later, they divorced and went their separate ways.
About a year later, it happened again with another couple, friends of ours in ministry. I wept for them, ached for both of them as their relationship ruptured, rumors spread and reputations were damaged. The dissolution of a marriage is painful for everyone involved – children, friends, church, family, coworkers, neighbors. It's like watching conjoined twins be ripped apart without benefit of anesthesia.
Adultery was exposed in another marriage within the same time frame. And it wasn't the first time. Part of me (flesh) wanted to hire a hit man to administer suitable punishment to the offending party. I was mad. The "offendee," however, was far more spiritual than I, choosing to stay and make it work through forgiveness, through wise counsel, and behavioral adaptation. When we stand before Jesus in heaven I know there will be a huge jewel in the crown she lays at His feet...
In the fourth situation, the wife was, in my opinion, "a pusher." Ambitious for success in ministry, she had an agenda, and her husband was part of her plan. He couldn't take the pressure, and fell away... not just from the marriage, but from his calling and from the church, as is often the case in such situations.
When you don't know the people involved, it's easy to judge. It's easy to point fingers and say, "it's her fault" or "it's his fault," but when you are friends with both parties, suddenly things are a little more complicated. It's also easy to fall back on some of the classic Christian cop-outs like, "We weren't even saved when we got married." Or, "We must have missed God. He didn't mean for us to be together." Hmm.
If you've been married for any length of time, you've probably wondered at least once (in a moment of distress) if you "missed God" when you married your spouse. (If not, hats off to you!) What if you'd married so-and-so? What if you hadn't married at all? I think the enemy (and the world) like to get us over in that "what if" mindset. If the devil can convince us that our marriage is a "mismatch," we lose hope and quit putting forth effort when the road gets rough for some reason.
Frequently, however, what looks like a mismatch is often a case of marital mismanagement. In the same way a corporation can be mismanaged, so can a marriage. Failure to communicate, or poor communication skills; lousy leadership skills; misunderstanding of motives and needs; or misplaced expectations on either (or both) sides that lead to disappointment and disillusionment.
Here's the good news: mismanagement can be corrected, if both parties are willing to cooperate. Before you yield (or let someone you're ministering to) yield to the "mismatched" theory, consider the possibility that mismanagement on one, or both, sides is the problem, and that can be fixed!
The Pastor's Wife Speaks is a safe place for women living on the front lines of ministry to share and support each other. But you don't have to be married to a pastor to hang out here. Regardless of how you're connected to ministry, you are welcome. Enjoy and be blessed!
This is powerful! I would strongly recommend a series titled Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas. He talks a lot about the misconceptions of marriage. My personal thoughts are even if you feel you are mismatched with your spouse, the covenant was made, and you need to pray and figure out how to make the marriage work. Of course, easier said than done.
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ReplyDeleteI've seen this more than once. In one case, both couples overcame it and went on to grow stronger in their marriages than they ever were before. It proves to me that God truly does work all things for good. Even so the event has left indelible marks on their families.
Another case was ended sadly. The couple, married 30-odd years and both leaders in the church, divorced in a very ugly spectacle.
One of their children also divorced. It was as if the foundation they thought was rock turned out to be sand, and their already shaky marriage simply couldn't take the strain.
Both of these happened to very dear friends of mine, and I can attest that these blow-ups and break-ups are very painful even on those outside the immediate family. I can't tell how many tears I've cried or hours of sleep I've lost over just these two situations. Your illustration of the conjoined twins is right on. I would never have thought to put it that way, but it's exactly right.
These two situations, happening to people I held (and still hold) in very high regard, has taught me one important thing. It can happen, and I must guard my own marriage even more closely against it.
Thanks for a great post Niki.
Amen to that, Andrea. Instead of judging those who stumble, we'd be better off to turn and examine our own marriages!
ReplyDeleteTiAnna, I thought I replied to your comment yesterday, but Blogger must have eaten it.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the book suggestion... it took us YEARS to undo some of the crazy misconceptions we had about marriage!