Do I Need It, or Do I Want It?

One of the TV shows I enjoy watching is House Hunters. If you're not familiar with it, one family is showcased per episode. They always look at three different houses, and in the end they buy one. The fun is imagining which house might work best, weighing the pros and cons of each, then trying to guess which one will be purchased.

Tonight, I saw an episode about a family with four children who needed to downsize because the husband had been let go from his banking job. My heart immediately went out to them. How terrible to have to leave the home you expected to live in forever. (A 7200 square foot home.) But due to finances, it was important that they cut back anywhere they could.

They were being realistic... or so I thought. But then we found out the couple's maximum purchase price: $400,000. And then we started seeing the homes. When the realtor told them the first house was 3400 square feet, the wife looked shocked and said, "That's so small."

It quickly became clear that "downsizing" meant something different to them than it means to me. In each home, when they found something that was old or they didn't like, they both responded with, "We'll have to replace that" or "that'll need an upgrade." After a while, I started to feel like I was listening to two spoiled children rather than a couple trying to be fiscally responsible.

But then I turned the mirror on myself. How many times have I claimed to need something, when in reality, it was merely something I wanted? How many times have I looked at something that was perfectly capable of serving my needs and said, "I want something else"?

There's nothing wrong with wanting nice things. There's nothing wrong with enjoying the fruits of your labor. But it's important that we open our eyes and see things for what they really are. When we discern our needs from our wants, we're freed from envy. Freed from being unsatisfied. Freed from depression over not having. By seeing how God fulfills our needs, we are more fully able to praise him when he blesses us with the things we want. What a good and gracious Father he is!

How about you? Have you ever needed something, only to realize later that it wasn't as necessary as you thought? How do you deal with those "gotta have it" feelings?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jennifer AlLee is an author, former church secretary, and founder of The Pastor's Wife Speaks. You can find out more about her and her writing at http://www.jenniferallee.com/

Loving Difficult People

Being in fellowship with a local church is such a blessing. We can encourage one another on our faith walk. We come together in times of crises, and we can have a good time together. That’s the great part about being an active member of local church. The church is also made up of people who are really difficult to like and even harder to love. That’s how I felt about Sister Renee Brown--of course that is not her real name. I found Sis. Brown to be incredibly nosey and intrusive. She was quite curious about my life—“Can you cook?” “Does Pastor like your cooking?” “Do you work?” “Are you looking for a job?” In addition, she is a messy gossip. As much as I tried to avoid her, she seemed to always make her way to me.
The church is made up of imperfect people. Thus, it is filled with Renee Browns and other difficult people to love, including ourselves. Yet, we have been called to love our neighbor. Over the course of time, I got to know Renee Brown, and I actually began to really like her. So how do we love difficult people?

1. I have been called to love others. As a Christian, the greatest Christ-like characteristic we can demonstrate is love (I Corinthians 13:13). I can know lots of scripture, fill in the gaps at church whenever needed, can teach a Sunday School lesson like Jesus is coming back tomorrow, but if I cannot demonstrate love, all those things are in vain. What are some tangible ways to show love? I don’t have to judge Renee. I can include Renee on the Women’s Day planning committee in the area in which she is gifted. I will not to gossip about Renee.

2. I realized I don’t know her life story. When we take the time to learn about people and learn the things they’ve experience we have more understanding and insight for who they are today. That can only happen when we take interest in another person’s life. Another tangible way we show love is to be interested in lives, happenings and events of other people. When we talk about the events of today, we are also opening a door to learning about their history.


3. When I know her history, I can focus on how far she has come instead of how far she has to go.

4. Despite the fact that I would like to believe that I am really likable, I too, can get on folks’ nerves and I hope they demonstrate love and compassion with me.

Renee Brown still has the potential to be a messy gossip, and I would NEVER share anything with her I didn’t want the congregation to know. But, as I got to know her, she is so much more. I have really stretched in this area of loving difficult people. I don’t always get it right, but I thank God that I am not where I used to be.









Shauntae Brown White is an associate professor in the Department of English and Mass Communication at North Carolina Central University. She has been a pastor's wife for 12 years.

3 Lessons to Learn from Royal Weddings: Marriage Mondays

 by Niki Turner

Details of the latest royal wedding trickling into the news media serve as a distraction from reports of war and natural disasters. The upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton has folks around the world, who would ordinarily never think of such things, discussing wedding dresses and floral design and who will be invited and who won't.

The wedding of William's parents, Charles and Diana, generated similar buzz back in 1981. I had just turned 12, and I sat— bleary-eyed but entranced—by a grainy live broadcast of the wedding of the century in the wee hours of the morning.

We, as believers, are members of heaven's royal family, princes and princesses of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Whether we realize it or not, the world's obsession with royal weddings hints at what they hunger to see among the children of God. So what can we learn? Here are three thoughts we can apply to our own royal marriages.

1. The whole world is watching with hearts full of hope, daring to dream that romance is real, true love exists, and happily ever after is a legitimate possibility.
2. Everything might look good on the outside, but if our personal relationships (what is said and done when no one is watching or listening) are soured and spoiled, none of the pretty pictures matter.
3. If you were married to the Prince of _______________, how would you treat him differently than you treat that fella who fell asleep on the couch while you did the dishes, who left his grubby socks on the bathroom floor and forgot your last anniversary? The correct answer? No different at all. (ouch)

About the Author: Niki Turner has been a pastor's wife at a small church in rural northwestern Colorado since 1998. She and her husband have four children, are soon-to-be grandparents, and have been married for 20 years. Niki writes fiction, blog posts, articles in the local newspaper, grocery lists, and Facebook status updates. She can be found at her own blog, In Truer Ink, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays in addition to posting here and at Inkwell Inspirations.

Beloved

What is it about women that we so often don’t believe ourselves to be lovable? We crave constant affirmation. We long to be wanted, desired for who we are in our heart of hearts. And understood.

I’ve got some great news. We are!

We just don’t always realize it.

God’s love is not a feeling. It is a fact. We tend to believe we are loved only when we sense his presence. Those rare moments when all is right with our world and we lose ourselves in worship. But God’s love is no less real when the dryer’s on the fritz. His love is no less passionate when your nose is both stuffed up and runny, and everything sounds like it’s underwater. He still there in the moment when it seems your dream is dead. If your dream is dead, it’s because he’s come to replace it with a better, brighter yearning. But too often we see only the loss and cannot believe there could ever be anything more wonderful out there than to have our every longing gratified.

Believe it or not, even when it hurts, he loves us.

Perfection is not his desire. You are. If you were the only one in the world who needed him, he still would have chosen the cross.

He loves you.

When it seems like other Christians are getting away with things that you never can seem to get away with, perhaps it is merely his voice calling you closer.

You are his favorite.

The apple of his eye (Zech 2:8) and joy of his heart (Luke 15:7.) He carved your name on the palm of his hand (Isa. 49:16). What further proof could you need of his desire?

1 John 4:16-“So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love...” Doubting his love means you doubt his very nature. I don’t know how to state it any stronger. He loves you. You cannot escape his love. You might as well embrace it.

A quote has been floating around for many years. “What would you risk if you knew you could not fail?”

Beloved of the Lord, what will you do with that love? What would you risk if you knew he’d be backing you the whole way? That his grace and love are sufficient to meet every need? That you cannot out love him?

Baby Plans: A Surprise Up God's Sleeve

"I want another baby."

My boss’s wife, Cindy adored their soon-to-be-teen daughter and son, but longed for a wee one to nurture. For months, Lance resisted her pleas. “Cindy, we have the perfect family: a boy and a girl. Let’s be content with that. Besides, I’ll be forty in a year. I don’t want people thinking I’m my kid’s grandfather at her high school graduation.”

Cindy was undaunted. Bit by “the baby bug,” she persisted in her heart’s desire for one more child.

Finally, Lance concocted a plan he was sure would discourage her. “All right, we can try one last time. But it must be a girl, she must be born before my fortieth birthday, and you need to have her on a Saturday, so I don’t have to take off work to go to the hospital with you.”

“Agreed,” said Cindy, humming to herself as she thumbed through a Babies R Us catalog.

Nine months later, Lance jolted awake when a finger gouged him in the rib.  “Are you ready to go have this baby?” said Cindy. That afternoon, Tiffany June made her appearance. It was a Saturday, December 13, two days before Lance’s fortieth birthday. 

                When Lance related this story to me, I asked him if Cindy had prayed that he agree to another baby, or about the timing of Tiffany’s birth.  “Not that I know of,” he said.

What? This really messes with my theology.  I want people to have exactly what they want, when they want it, only if they have asked God for it. I certainly don’t believe luck had anything to do with Tiffany’s birth, so that leaves only one other answer: God did this as a favor to Lance and Cindy, simply because He loves them and wanted to bless them. Period.

Why does this bother me? Because I want my teeter-totter balanced. If I obey the Lord and honor Him with my life, I can expect Him to answer outrageous prayers like a girl baby born on a certain day before her daddy’s 40^th birthday. But if someone who wants something a specific way gets it without even asking God, what does that tell me?

Not what you might think. Not that it doesn’t pay to serve God, or that we shouldn’t pray for what we want and need, but simply this: God is God—He can do whatever He wants. And I believe it tickled Him to give Lance and Cindy exactly what they wanted, because He likes to make people happy. He is a good God who does good things for everyone, not only those who ask.

Here’s a final thought: If God gave someone the desire of their heart when they didn’t even ask Him, how much more would He give someone who comes boldly to His throne and makes their requests known? Kinda makes you want to expect a lot more out of Him, doesn’t it?  

On a WHIM: Ministerial Entitlement Syndrome

The Temptation of Ministerial Entitlement Syndrome

By Kathy Carlton Willis

Probably one of the biggest temptations to enter our lives during ministry is the sense of entitlement. We’ve even seen it ruin some good pastors and pastors’ wives, and change them into something totally different than how they began ministry. And I personally fought this temptation off and on during my 25-plus years of full-time church ministry. To be perfectly transparent, it took a lot of attitude readjustments to make sure I didn’t expect the wrong things from my church families. And I had to learn that appreciation isn’t always measured by receiving “stuff" or recognition.

The progression of Ministerial Entitlement Syndrome goes something like this:

We enter ministry with all the idealism of serving for the sheer joy of the call.

Others experience our excitement—it enthuses them

to the point that they couldn’t do enough for us.

We start to expect their wonderful blessings bestowed to us.

(Gifts, Services, Kind Words, Cards, Money Trees, and More)

Ministry starts to get rough, and we depend on receiving blessings and encouragement to keep us shored up, rather than relying solely on God to refuel us.

(At this stage, some even hint at or manipulate members to keep doing more and more, even though ministry started as a calling for ministers to “do” for the members.)

Symbols of appreciation from others decrease,

as they also experience life trials and burnout.

Passion becomes displaced by obligation and expectations.

Disappointments grow and enthusiasm wanes.

Checklist to Evaluate Your Risk for Ministerial Entitlement Syndrome:

1. Do you believe you deserve special treatment because of your sacrifice for the ministry?

2. Can you make a list off the top of your head of all the sacrifices you’ve made for the church? If it comes easy for you, it means you’ve already been rehearsing this at previous pity parties.

3. Do you believe your calling to full-time ministry makes you more special than Christians serving in other capacities?

4. Do you attempt to control how others serve and give through hints, guilt-trips and manipulation?

5. Are you at the head of the food-line at fellowship meals, or do you bring up the caboose? Often this is representative of your mindset, if you think you have a deserved place of honor or a humble place of service.

6. Do you believe the church membership should respect you because of the position you hold, or because you’ve earned respect?

7. Do you measure your ministry success on how much your church appreciates you when compared to how other churches show appreciation to their pastoral families?

8. Do you expect your current ministry to measure up to the best ministry you’ve ever been involved in, while avoiding the pitfalls you experienced in every other ministry?

9. Do you envy the perks others in ministry receive, and try to figure out how you can be pampered in a similar way through your church membership?

10. Do you expect blind loyalty from your membership in exchange for the sacrificial service you provide the church?

Let’s all be grateful for the many blessings we receive as we serve God through our personal callings and God-led purpose. Sometimes it seems we’re in valleys of trials and other times we’re experiencing mountaintop blessings, but all times, God’s goodness is enough. Why should we try to add to that?

Light & Lively: His Reflection/Her Laughter

Kathy's known for her practical and humorous messages full of hope and insight. Kathy enjoys fiddling with words as: writer, publicist and writer’s coach at Kathy Carlton Willis Communications. She serves on faculty with CLASSeminars, is a member of Advanced Writers and Speakers Association, and others. Kathy shines, whether she’s shining the light on God’s writers and speakers, or reflecting God’s light during her programs. She served in full-time local church ministry with her husband for over twenty-five years.

KATHY CARLTON WILLIS
Kathy Carlton Willis gets jazzed speaking cross-country for women’s events and writers’ conferences.

PERSONAL BLOG: http://imlivingoutloud.blogspot.com

PROFESSIONAL BLOG: http://kcwcomm.blogspot.com/

WEB: http://www.kathycarltonwillis.com/

Kathy speaks on a variety of subjects. Request a brochure like this one: http://bit.ly/b7KOXa

Please Share Your Prayer Requests & Praises

We're taking prayer requests today. If you'd like prayer for something in your life or want to share how God has blessed you, you can do it in one of three ways:

• Leave a comment to this post
• Use the "Share Your Story" form (this is the best way if you'd like to remain anonymous)
• Email me directly at jallee725 [at] hotmail [dot] com

I'll post the list of prayer requests and praises on Saturday. This is just one more way we can join our hearts together. Blessings on your day!

Walking Through Temptation

My twenties were torturous. There were a great number of days that I slipped and slid up against life's pitfalls. I balanced piously on the tightrope of temptation- torn between the tragedy of sin and Satan. I would love to lay all the blame at the enemy's feet, but it just isn't so. My flesh played a key role in my flailing footsteps.

But temptation didn't taper off with my twenties. Like Paul pleaded to the Ancient of Days, my heart implores the same release today. I long to remove the thorns. Those bothersome, fleshy moments that haunt my happiness.

The impatience with my husband.

The struggle to forgive when I'm hurt.

The desire to serve self.

(These are a few that I don't mind naming!)

Then there are thorns the Lord did pluck out in the early days. Smoking. Cursing. Scarce attire. Bad acquaintances. All the immediate temptations that kill off new Christians. Over the years I've detected a pattern with temptation- it points me to the Father. Temptations keep me anchored on my knees. They reveal my deep need for grace and produce a posture of gratitude.

Remember this: The saint is a lot like the swimmer standing in deep waters. From the waist up things look placid and peaceful and the possibility of drowning never enters the picture. What we don't see past the waters surface are the flopping feet beneath, working tirelessly to stay afloat. This is what our prayers do when temptation threatens to pull us into its depths.

How do you walk through temptation?

Tamika Eason is a wife, writer, mother to three daughters, and servant. She remains in awe that despite her fallibility God would choose her to choose Him. She and her husband are dedicated to the ministry of their church in Austin, Texas. You can find her scribbling about the writing journey at her blog http://www.thewriteworship.blogspot.com/.

Exteriors, Part II: The Pastor’s Wife as a Fashionista

In my last post, I talked about how wearing my hair natural (it is not chemically processed in order to straighten the texture) violates the cultural expectation of being a pastor’s wife in the African American church. Today, I pose the question: Is there an expectation for how pastors’ wives should dress? In the African American church context, the answer would be a resounding YES!

As a professor of communication studies, the negotiated roles of African American pastors’ wives has been a research area of mine for the last several years. I have interviewed over 30 pastors’ wives across the country and most would agree there is an expectation for how a pastor’s wife should dress. She should not be dowdy, but there is also a wide range between being fashionable conservative and wearing the hat that makes a statement with the matching St. John suit embellished with rhinestones.

For me, I believe I was fashion savvy before I became a pastor’s wife—thanks to Jackie Brown, my mother. She taught me how to pull an outfit together, do it with little money, and understand that clothes don’t make me, but rather, I make the outfit. Other than taking into consideration my attire when we visit another church whose cultural attire I am not familiar (i.e. women don’t wear pants), I am confident that my fashionable and slightly conservative style works for me and is also appropriate.

However, on the eve of my husband’s installation at his current church, a great debate ensued among the women in our family. An installation service in black church culture is often “high” church and includes other pastors, community leaders, and community members.

Mrs. Louise Garr, owner of Savannah G’s boutique in Cincinnati, Ohio and wife of a retired pastor helped select an outfit for the installation for me that I really did like, but also thought it was a little flashy. Thus, ensued the great debate as seven women stood in our bedroom to weigh in their opinion. On one side was the 40 and under crowd: two of our friends who are also pastors’ wives Stephanie (who is probably more akin to my conservative style) and Gail (who could pull off flashy because of her personality), and our college friend Ann who all thought Mrs. Garr’s outfit would make a statement. On the other side, the over 50 women—my mother-in-law, my aunt, our godmothers, who all liked the outfit, but were convinced that was not the statement I wanted to make. In addition to thinking the outfit looked like I was going to a cabaret, our family “mothers” were concerned what it would communicate to a congregation that really didn’t know me well. Unlike my husband, who arrived three months before me, I had only been in Raleigh a few weeks. Like him, I was still getting to know the congregation and they were still getting to know me. Stephanie and Gail’s position was that it looked good on me, and people will never be satisfied with what you do, so you might as well be true to you.

In the end, I wore an outfit that everyone agreed on that I purchased the day before the installation that my godmother Kathi swears the Holy Spirit prompted me to buy because of the inappropriateness of the other. The whole experience made me consider why do we place so much emphasis on the exterior?

What would happen if congregations would put just as much emphasis on a pastor’s wife’s character as her dress? What would happen if pastors’ wives did the same? Somehow, I think we’d be a lot further along in glorifying Christ in his body, the church.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shauntae Brown White is an associate professor in the Department of English and Mass Communication at North Carolina Central University and has been a pastor's wife for 12 years.

Taking Separate Cars: Marriage Monday

Getting in strife on the way to or from church used to be a frequent occurrence. Somehow, that drive to church to minister to others (or to be ministered to) turned into an opportunity for our flesh to rise up and have a little fit. Most of the time the strife revolved around my not being ready to leave on time.

(In my defense, I was trying to get four little people and myself dressed and ready to go, while my darling hubby was only dressing one person - himself.) 

However, even if we left on time and weren't angry with each other at all, somehow we'd end up in a disagreement on the way to church. I wouldn't like the way he was driving, or vise versa, for example. If we didn't get bit by the strife bug on the way to church, we got bit on the way home. Talk about feeling like a hypocrite!

Whether you think of it as "protecting the anointing," or you are simply obeying Paul's instruction to be at peace with all insofar as it depends on you, sometimes it's necessary to make adjustments for the sake of the call!

At some point (we're slow learners, I think) we realized it was worth the extra cost of fuel to take two cars to church, just to avoid the strife. That decision transformed our Sundays. No more strife meant we both arrived at church in peace, ready to minister and ready to receive.

photo by General Wesc	via PhotoRee

But what if you don't have the luxury of two vehicles? One pastor's wife I know had a friend in the church come and pick her and the kids up for church every week. Another pastor's wife actually had someone volunteer to come over and help her get the kids ready, so her husband could go to the church and pray and prepare for the service even earlier. Another pastor's wife rose early, drove her husband (in silence) to the church very early, and then returned home to get dressed and prepare for church (their kids were old enough to be left at home alone).

Have you ever battled the pre-service strife attack?

How did you outsmart it?

About the Author: Niki Turner has been a pastor's wife at a small church in rural northwestern Colorado since 1998. She and her husband have four children, are soon-to-be grandparents, and have been married for 20 years. Niki writes fiction, blog posts, articles in the local newspaper, grocery lists, and Facebook status updates. She can be found at her own blog, In Truer Ink, on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays in addition to posting here and at Inkwell Inspirations.

Your Mission, Should You Choose to Accept It...

Sometimes I think I get so caught up in the challenges I face as a pastor's wife and my life in general that I forget about my husband.

Not forget about him as in forget that he exists or that he needs food or anything else (although if you ask him, he may tell you I do forget about dinner pretty often), but I forget that sometimes HE needs encouragement too. It's selfish, but most of us have probably been there. You get to a place where you feel like your encouragement tank is sitting on empty and you have none to give to yourself, much less anyone else, but I've become convinced lately that this is EXACTLY when we're supposed to strive to minister to our husbands.

I'm in the middle of re-reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If you haven't read this book, it would be worth buying or at least checking out from a library. It's mostly common sense, but it's common sense we can't hear enough of. My husband is a "words of affirmation" guy. As a young pastor, he gets a lot of words that aren't affirming. People at the church seldom notice the things he IS doing and mostly focus on all the other things he SHOULD be doing. People make "to do" lists for him and put them on his desk. Even though the heart behind most of these people is good, I think it makes my husband hear "You're not doing enough. You're not good enough." over and over in his head some days.

I'm making it my personal mission, especially over the next few weeks to consciously encourage my husband every day. It doesn't have to be anything huge. I just want to make sure that I'm giving him positive words and pointing out things he does well every day to try to counteract the negative that seems to come at him from other directions sometimes.

If you've forgotten your husband at all, the fact that sometimes he feels like he has no one to talk to just like you might, the fact that he needs encouragement too, join me here. Let's barrage them with so many positive comments this week (truly positive comments--I'm not talking flattery here.) that they feel ready to face any disgruntled person they may come across in their job or anywhere else.

So I'm focusing on words, because I know my hubby will really appreciate that. What are some other ways you've found to encourage your husband, especially during times when he feels disheartened? Let's brainstorm together.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Sarah Varland is a book-loving, outdoorsy pastor's wife from Georgia. When she’s not doing glamorous pastor’s wife duties, like squashing bugs and refilling toilet paper rolls, she loves to write, read, kayak and spend time with her husband and son. You can read more of her thoughts on life, books, and the ministry fishbowl at espressoinalatteworld.blogspot.com

Gaining Hope from the World's Worst Driver

While navigating busy Los Angeles streets, my mother often said, “Just look at that Jehu, running through a stop sign,” or, “He drives like a Jehu!” As a child, I wondered what sort of creature a “Jehu” was. Then I discovered his story in the Bible.

Jehu served as a captain in the Israelite army during the reign of the evil king Joram. After Elisha’s servant anointed Jehu as king in Joram’s place, Jehu jumped into his chariot and drove to Jezreel to overthrow Joram. One of Joram’s tower watchmen recognized Jehu while he was still afar off. From the vibrant color of his chariot? From his stunning horses? From his long, shiny hair flowing in the wind? No.

From his reckless driving. Jehu was known throughout the land for his attraction to fast wheels!

“So the watchman reported saying, “He went up to them and is not coming back; and the driving is like the driving of Jehu the son of Nimshi, for he drives furiously!” 2 Kings 9:20

While in Jezreel, Jehu became a hero by slaughtering Joram, and then ridding the land of Joram’s wicked mother, Jezebel (No, he didn’t run over her).

            Are you ever tempted to think God cannot use you to accomplish anything greater than singing in the choir or cooking a roast for the next potluck? Do you long to soar like an eagle, but feel like you’re stuck with a flock of turkeys? You may wonder why God gives all the exciting jobs and sparkly personalities to others. But, wait!

Before you despair, remember Jehu.

He wasn’t a prophet who multiplied oil for a starving widow and healed lepers; or an author who changed the course of history by his best-selling book. Jehu was an ordinary man, whom God used to accomplish mighty, heroic deeds. A man whose only talent was his crazy driving.

Now don’t you suppose the same Lord who took a Jehu and made him into a hero can cause your life to count for a special purpose? Makes you want to stay in the race for a few more miles, to see what God will do through you, doesn’t it?

P.S. I find it amusing that the world’s worst driver award goes to a man.








ABOUT THE AUTHOR

A spunky, sometimes reluctant pastor’s wife of thirty-five years, Jeanette has published articles, greeting card verses, and calendar poems. She also authors a bi-weekly column in her local newspaper. Jeanette enjoys speaking to church and civic groups, offering mirth and worth in every message. She and her husband Kevin live in Paris, IL. She is the mother of two, grandmother of three, and waitress to several cats.

Visit her blog at http://jeanettelevellie.blogspot.com/