Raising Healthy, Whole PKs Part I: Walking the Walk

My husband and I were married four years before we began our family. Before we had our first child, I often considered the question how one raises healthy, whole PKs (preacher’s kid). Of course, there is the stereotype that the preacher and deacon’s kids are the worst behaved. We can all think of examples in which that stereotype is true but, there are just as many examples of PKs that are well-behaved and respectful to others. I don’t think the goal is to have perfect children, but I do want to raise my girls to love the Lord, have a healthy sense of self, know their identities in Christ, and treat others with respect.

My girls are young. While my daughters are far from finished products, here are my thoughts, thus far, on the parenthood journey. In this three-part blog post series, I am going to address three things that I believe are important to consider in raising healthy, whole PKs: (1) Make sure there is consistency in what your children see on Sunday and what they see in the home every day. (2) Don’t have different expectations of behavior or levels of involvement in the church just because of their father’s (or your) profession. (3) Don’t allow other people to impose their expectations on your children. The first blog post will deal with consistency in our behavior.

Make sure there is consistency in what your children see on Sunday and what they see at home every day.

It is my greatest hope that our girls see Christ in me and their father on a regular basis. By no means does that mean either of us is perfect. My husband can be very impatient, and I can be very controlling. But, hopefully, my girls see an example of a loving relationship between us. More often than not, we talk to each other with respect, show kindness to one another, and look out for one another. After that, we demonstrate the same relationship with our girls. Often, many Christians can get comfortable with the fact that we don’t commit “big” sins: I don’t drink, smoke, do drugs, commit adultery, gamble, and the like. However, how we treat other people tells a story about our witness, as well.

Do your children hear you gossip about other people? Talk poorly about church people, or other family members?

How do you handle conflict or disagreement with your spouse, with your children, with the church, with others?

Do your children see you demonstrating compassion to other people?

How do talk to your spouse? Have your children seen you be snide, sarcastic, disrespectful or emasculating to your husband?

How do your children hear you talk to other people? The sales clerk who gave you poor service? The person who took your parking space?

These are but a few ways we can exhibit Christ in our interpersonal relationships. One of the foundations to raising healthy PKs is to make sure our walk matches our talk. There are lots of other ways we can be a poor or great witness for Christ. Our children are watching. Which are you?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Shauntae Brown White is an associate professor in the Department of English and Mass Communication at North Carolina Central University. She is married to the Rev. Dr. Harry L. White, Jr., pastor of the Watts Chapel Baptist Church in Raleigh, NC.

Missing the Mark

Drat! I hate it when I miss the mark. In my office that usually means I’ve overshot the wastebasket and I’ll have to get down on my knees under my desk to fish something out from behind it. Or, in the kitchen, it’s probably vegetable peelings or coffee grounds that didn’t quite make the trash bag, and I’ll have to wipe them off the floor. In the garden, flinging weeds in the direction of the compost pile, it’s more likely that I haven’t tossed them far enough and they’re dangling in the branches of the hydrangea bush. Whichever the case, it’s a nuisance.

A nuisance, yes, but missing the mark in those situations is trivial compared to missing the mark in life.

Most of us have goals of one kind or another – maybe even a bucket list – things we’d like to achieve. We measure their worthiness in light of Philippians 4:8:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. [Philippians 4:8 NIV]

But it’s possible to become so consumed by our single-minded pursuit of something entirely worthy that we lose track of other priorities. It doesn’t take much before our strivings have also tipped the balance of contentment. We don’t know what’s wrong, but we’re no longer happy.

Before that moment overtakes us we would be smart to redirect our focus.

“But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.” [Matthew 6:33 AB]

“And my God will liberally supply (fill to the full) your every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 4:19 AB]

 
When we strive for the life that God desires for us, not only will He meet our needs, but often will also surprise us by granting the unspoken desires of our hearts. It’s a matter of getting our priorities straight and taking careful aim so we don’t miss the mark.

“Not that I have already … arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” [Philippians 3:12-14 NIV]

AB = Amplified Bible
NIV = New International Version

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Carol J. Garvin is the wife of a retired Presbyterian pastor, mother of four and grandmother to several more. Her life has been a wonderful mixture of school teaching, church and family activities, owning a professional dog show business, and freelance writing. She and her husband live in a rural suburb of Vancouver, Canada.

Blog: http://careann.wordpress.com/
Facebook: http://on.fb.me/mBj1F7
Twitter: @caroljgarvin

Magnify the Positive

by Niki Turner

Remember when you and your husband were dating? Caught up in that first blush of infatuation? Every new discovery of something you had in common was cause for awe, and differences were casually brushed aside.

But as time passes, those differences become more apparent, until they can't be ignored. What you once barely noticed about your true love at the beginning seems to have become a major part of his personality, a perpetual irritant you have trouble seeing around when you look at him.

"What happened?" You ask yourself, your female friends, even your mother. "He must have changed," you decide. Unchecked, this sort of thinking festers, until you find yourself saying, "What did I ever see in him?"

It's not a question of what we once saw or didn't see, it's a question of what we choose to magnify.

Fire can be kindled with a magnifying glass and sunlight. Whether that fire is constructive (providing light and heat for warmth, cooking, safety) or destructive (like a forest fire) depends on where we focus the power of the magnifying lens.

Our life "lens" is made up of the words of our mouth and the thoughts we entertain. The more we "bad mouth" our spouses, and grumble under our breaths about his inability to locate the hamper, even in jest, the greater our irritation becomes.

Here's a challenge: Take a piece of paper and quickly write down five things you're grateful for about your spouse. Now, take those five things, and purpose to focus your attention, your words, your thoughts, only on those things for 24 hours. If one of those irritations flares up, immediately douse it with gratitude. Don't magnify negatives, magnify positives, and see how your feelings and perceptions change.

Niki Turner writes romantic fiction, Christian non-fiction, blog posts, articles in the local newspaper, lengthy grocery lists, and Facebook status updates. Her first completed manuscript won second place in the 2009 Touched By Love contest for contemporary category romance. Colorado natives, Niki and her husband of 20+ years have four children  (three at home) and are new grandparents to a baby boy. In 1998 they planted a church in rural northwestern Colorado. Currently, they share their home with three teenage boys, two black Lab mutts, and Niki’s absurdly spoiled Westie, Archie. Niki can be found at In Truer Ink, her personal blog and website, and at Inkwell Inspirations.

Me? A Minister's Wife?

“I could never be a minister’s wife!” I sputtered when he first proposed. The only minister’s wife I knew was his mother, and she was everything I wasn’t – sweet, compassionate, conventional.

“I’m not asking you to be a minister’s wife, just mine.”

And I believed him. Young and naive, I accepted his ring and his promise, went with him through his years of seminary training, and blithely walked alongside of him into our first parish. That’s when reality hit. He was their new minister. I was his wife. Ergo, I was a minister’s wife.

Is it a necessary rite of passage to lose our old identity when we assume this new role? As I sat in the pew during my husband’s installation service I heard the Presbytery representative admonishing the congregation: “… You have engaged this man to be your minister. You have not hired his wife. She comes here simply as his wife and the mother of his children. In the matter of her church responsibilities you should expect no more of her, nor no less, than what you expect of yourselves.” It was what my husband had said, but not what I now believed.

I was my own worst enemy during his early years of ministry, as I tried to become what I thought I should be. I gave up wearing jeans in favour of skirts and constraining pantyhose, tried (unsuccessfully) to keep the manse spotless for unexpected guests, baked for every church social, led Bible studies, poured tea and smiled graciously while worrying if the babysitter was getting our children to bed on time. I was sure if I disappointed anyone’s expectations of me it would discredit my husband, so I pushed myself to fit into the mold of someone who wasn’t me.

Burnout and nervous breakdowns teach us many things. When one hit me, I retreated into my introverted shell and stayed there for over a year. My journal is filled with anguished admissions of failure.

One day a good friend stopped in for coffee and gave me a page torn from her devotional booklet, a meditation about loving ourselves. I glued it into my journal and read it many times. Realization dawned slowly: by trying to be someone other than who I really was, by hating myself, I was insulting what God had created and wasting the talents He’d given me. I was a unique creation of God endowed with the abilities He intended me to have. I wasn’t meant to be a clone of someone else.

God’s love brought me back into circulation. It took a while, but He quieted the inner tumult, convinced me it didn’t matter whether I wore jeans or a skirt (I tossed the pantyhose), and guided me toward things He wanted me to do in places where I felt more comfortable and capable.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “Let us be silent that we may hear the whisper of God.” In retrospect I can see that it was necessary for me to spiral down to a stop before I was ready to listen for that whisper. Someone more observant might have figured it out a lot sooner.

Despite my original misgivings, I’ve been very content as a minister’s wife for several decades. I still think my mother-in-law was the epitome of an ideal minister’s wife (she even wore dresses and nylon stockings at home), but just in case I need a daily prod, a colourful poster on my office wall reminds me, “Be yourself. An original is always worth more than a copy.”


Take a moment to daydream. If you had the opportunity to adopt a characteristic or ability from someone else, what one would you choose? If you could give away one of yours, what would it be?

“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them.

There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord.”

(I Corinthians 12:4-5 NIV)

ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Carol is the wife of a retired Presbyterian pastor, mother of four and grandmother to several more. Her life has been a wonderful mixture of school teaching, church and family activities, owning a professional dog show business, and freelance writing. She and her husband live in a rural suburb of Vancouver, Canada.

Blog: http://careann.wordpress.com/
Facebook: http://on.fb.me/mBj1F7
Twitter: @caroljgarvin

On a WHIM: Transplant Trauma

Transplant Trauma

By Kathy Carlton Willis

We just moved into a new home, and our new sod, trees and landscaping are struggling. Of course, it doesn’t help that we're melting in a 100-degree heat wave. But the crux of the problem is transplant shock. These green leafies are traumatized by being uprooted from their old, comfortable setting and placed into strange new surroundings.

We’re doing all we can to “love on” our greenies. They get a refreshing drink of water once or twice a day, requiring my husband to spend a good amount of time rotating the sprinkler system so it saturates the entire property. Even with the proper care, the bright green leaves of grass, trees and plants are dimming to a straw-like gold. Transplant Trauma.

What we’ve noticed is that it takes time and the proper care for the transplants to adjust to their new surroundings, and then they snap out of the shock and turn green again.

Most of us in ministry are transplants. God rarely has us planted in our hometowns for life. We are uprooted, taken from the comfort of what we know and love, and moved to a new area that needs us. We are often brought in to struggling ministries who feel a bit parched and dry, to rejuvenate the church with refreshing green ministry. These churches are looking for a fresh new covering of green. In ministry, we provide a covering, a layer of prayer support and green spiritual life.

But when we move to our new surroundings, sometimes it takes a while to get acclimated. We go through a period of transplant trauma. Shock. The refreshingness of our green—what we bring to the ministry, is temporarily turned to dry hay. With the right amount of time to adjust, and with the loving care of our new surroundings, we green up again. It’s good to know it’s just a temporary thing.

Sometimes we come to a new place still grieving the loss of our previous ministry. We bring that trauma with us until we come to accept it. Other times, we are eager to get started in the new ministry, but are confronted by the culture shock of the new area. We adapt. We add the water of the Word, confirming our calling to our new spot. We soak in the SONlight. We allow our Heavenly Master Gardener to tend to our needs while we tend to the needs of our congregations and communities.

And when in doubt, repeat this phrase, “Transplant trauma is temporary. God’s tender loving care is permanent.”

QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION (Join in via the comments section):

1.     Have you ever entered a new ministry without dealing with the feelings of leaving the previous ministry? What happened? What words of wisdom can you offer others going through that grieving process right now?

2.     What culture shocks have you faced when moving to a new area?

3.     What tips do you have for adjusting to the new transplanted area? What specifically is of help for the husband, wife, and children?

Let’s share!

Kathy Carlton Willis

Kathy shines, whether she's shining the light on her clients or shining God's Light at her speaking events.

Light & Lively: His Reflection/Her Laughter

WEB: http://www.kathycarltonwillis.com

KCWC BLOG: http://kcwcomm.blogspot.com

KATHY'S BLOG: http://imlivingoutloud.blogspot.com

Divine Design

Some people take style like a grain of salt. They either have the eye for it, or they grudgingly look for another creative statement. I'm not one of these people. There are infinite reasons that speak to the passion I have for style, from fashion to furniture- I want it all to sizzle.

The only problem is a bare room makes me cringe with uncertainty. The walls glare at me for attention, the corners creep closer for a companion to fill their space, the windows loom large and naked.

On numerous occasions my husband and I have visited local furniture galleries, hundreds of displays and mock interpretations are plastered before our eyes. With my camera in hand I make my trek through the possibilities, and I love every minute! But, what I've learned about myself is horrifying: I have the eye, but I lack execution.

The Lord spoke something similar to me the days following one of those trips: I've given you the perfect pattern for holiness, but you lack the practice.

Now if my wallet could afford Candice Olsen, and her Divine Design team, make no mistake the call would go forth. I would happily lay down my plan for her design proposal. Then why do I struggle so much to keep up with my spiritual steps? I know the Lord knows the way, I have no doubt that He is the compass in my chaos. I would argue any day that the Holy Scriptures have the most elaborate portfolio of Christ's holiness.

The truth is I struggle with trust. I've found there is no shortcut to sanctification, the beauty in Christianity is submission. My walls are craving Christ's canvas. The corners of my heart are clustered with His mercies. The windows of my soul are open for worship and praise. I want my home to exude eternal style.

What divine design are you craving? Are there any spiritual renovations that make you cringe?

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Tamika Eason is a wife, writer, mother to three daughters, and servant. She remains in awe that despite her fallibility God would choose her to choose Him. She and her husband are dedicated to the ministry of their church in Austin, Texas. You can find her scribbling about the writing journey at her blog http://www.thewriteworship.blogspot.com/.

They Don't Understand Me, Lord!

When Greta rebuked me right before prayer meeting for not attending a function she chaired, I could feel the blood rush to face, my temples throbbing. I made a lame attempt to explain that in addition to my full time job, I was writing two books. When her only response was to stare at me in silence, I stuffed my hurt and indignation. At least, during the one hour prayer meeting. But the next morning found me complaining to my Father.

            “A few people don’t understand my call to write, Lord. They think I was born to do nothing but nurture them. They want me to applaud when they do any little thing: Oh, Starla, you are spectacular. The arrangement of irises on the organ this morning rivals any I’ve seen in a downtown shop! And to think they came from your own garden! But when I get an article published, they say nothing but a perfunctory, “Oh that’s nice.” Just because I write from home does not mean it’s only a hobby. Even though Kevin draws the paycheck, they think I should put in as many hours in church work as he does. They just don’t understand!”

            Gracious as always, the Lord listened to me rant until I played out. Then He spoke to my heart in His gentle but firm Daddy’s voice:

            “Jeanette, they don’t have to understand.”

            Shocked, I sputtered, “They don’t?”

            “Nope. If you depend on their applause and consideration, you have missed My plan for your writing. Who called you to write, anyway?”

            “You did, of course. I couldn’t do any of this without You.”

            “Then why are you looking to these people to affirm your gift? I sent you to minister to them, not they to you. As long as you expect them to keep you motivated, you’ll be disappointed and angry. Since I gave you this gift, wouldn’t it make sense for you to ask Me to bless you with appropriate cheerleaders to help you, rather than trying to pick your own, then getting mad when they fail you?”

            “Well, yes, when You put it that way.”

            Too often in my years of ministry, I’ve expected the sheep to do for me what only the Good Shepherd was capable of: filling up my emotional gas tank. I end up disappointed 99% of the time. But I keep trying, forgetting the pain of the last failed attempt to receive affirmation from those I’m called to serve.

            This doesn’t mean the Lord will never use a church member to confirm my talents. Many times, He’s sent the most unlikely sheep along to encourage me when I was ready to give up and move to Australia and start a kangaroo ranch. However, I always end up disappointed, even angry when I expect certain people to understand, empathize, and cheer me on.

            The Lord went on to tell me, “Jeanette, the few people who gripe about you are not accountable for your calling. My own family and friends, even My closest followers, did not understand Me or my mission. And it hurt Me to the core, like you are hurt by Greta’s harsh words. But as long as you look at Me and follow Me, you will fulfill My plan, and one day hear, Well done, good and faithful servant.”

       “Okay, I see what you mean, Lord. I need to get free of others’ expectations of me if I’m going to do what you want. And I need to not place such high expectations on the sheep you’ve called us to pastor. From now on, I’ll ask You to fill up my emotional gas tank in Your own ways. Thank you for this little talk.  Now, can you please go have a little chat with Greta?”

Stop Reading His Mail!

by Niki Turner

In the United States, tampering with someone else's mail is considered a Federal offense, punishable by law. But in the body of Christ, we tamper with each other's heavenly mail all the time.

How so? Here's one example:

You're listening to a sermon, and you are thoroughly convicted that every word of correction coming from the pulpit is intended for Brother or Sister So-and-So. "They oughta be here," you think... "This word is for them!"

You know what? God is well aware of who is sitting in that service, and He orchestrated that Word to come forth for the people present. Including you and me. OUCH.

Even worse, you're sitting next to the individual, and you proceed to elbow him or her throughout the service when the minister's comments seem particularly appropriate to your neighbor's life. It's hard enough to be corrected by God, let's not make it more difficult by adding our pointy elbows to our neighbor's discomfort!

"I'd never do that."
Mm-hmm.

When was the last time your husband offended you, was insensitive to your feelings, or forgot to do something he told you he would take care of, and you yanked out your sword of the spirit and used it to slice him to ribbons in the realm of your mind? (Or in his face ... hopefully, we're all more wiser and more mature than that!)

Ever had a prayer session that looked like this?

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 NKJV
(Jabbing your finger at the page in frustration.)

Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them. Col 3:19 NKJV
 (You see, Lord, he's not doing his part!)

So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. Eph 5:28 NKJV
(This isn't fair, Lord! He's not obeying You!)

While that may be true, the problem with this line of thinking is that you're out of line, too. You're reading his instructions, not your own. In effect, you are tampering with his heavenly mail.

You aren't responsible for your husband's actions or his attitudes. His obedience (or disobedience) is not your concern. You, however, are responsible for your own attitude, actions, behaviors, and yes, obedience to God's instructions to you.

Even when our husbands have dropped the proverbial hubby ball, we aren't excused from doing our part. Why? Because we are supposed to obey God's word, His instructions to wives, "as unto the LORD." We're not to look to our husbands for our happiness, our contentment, our motivation, our passion, or the fulfillment of our dreams. When we roll the care of our husbands over on God, He is able to work with,  through, and sometimes even in spite of them to be the husbands we need.

The next time you're tempted to throw hubby's heavenly mail at him, stop and reread the messages God gave to wives. You might discover you've got some unfinished assignments of your own to take care of!

 Niki Turner writes romantic fiction, Christian non-fiction, blog posts, articles in the local newspaper, lengthy grocery lists, and Facebook status updates. Her first completed manuscript won second place in the 2009 Touched By Love contest for contemporary category romance. Colorado natives, Niki and her husband of 20+ years have four children  (three still at home) and are new grandparents to a baby boy. In 1998 they planted a church in rural northwestern Colorado. Currently, they share their home with three teenage boys, two black Lab mutts, and Niki’s absurdly spoiled Westie, Archie. Niki can be found at In Truer Ink, her personal blog and website, here at Inkwell Inspirations, and at Inkwell Inspirations.

Share Your Blog-Building Ideas

Summer is nearly upon us, and it seems to be sucking the life out of blog activity! I'm sorry there wasn't anything new posted this week. But then maybe you're all so busy, you didn't notice. Which brings me to the topic at hand...

How can this blog best fit into your lifestyle? Now that it's nearly a year old (can you believe it?) I'd love to get some feedback from you, the readers. How many posts a week can you handle? Is daily too many? Would you prefer three times a week? More? Less?

Do you enjoy the giveaways? What kinds of things (within reason) would be fun to see as prizes?

Are there any topics we haven't touched on that you'd love to see addressed?

As we move forward, I want to be sensitive to the needs of the readers and all our amazing contributors. And I can't say enought good things about the ladies who write for this blog. There is no monetary compensation for their work. They do it out of a love for God's people and a desire to support and encourage. I know everyone's lives are full to overflowing. Hopefully this blog provides moments of peace and sanctuary amid the madness.

If you share your thoughts and ideas, I'll enter you in the drawing for a Christian novel off my book-store-fresh shelf. Consider it an incentive :+}

Blessings to you all!





ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Jennifer AlLee is an author, former church secretary, and founder of The Pastor's Wife Speaks. You can find out more about her and her writing at http://www.jenniferallee.com/